A Very Informal Review of the City of Bones Movie

I had the weekend off of work and since my mom and sister were already heading into the town where the movie theater is, I tagged along and finally saw the City of Bones movie!

It’s a thirty mile trip, there and back, and to be honest I’m just too lazy and/or poor to pay for the gas, which is why it took me so long to get out there and see the thing.

Anyway, I didn’t feel like writing a formal review for this one, so this will be more of my opinion rather than an in-depth analysis. What I really wanted to do was live tweet (yes – I’m addicted already!) my immediate reactions, but people look poorly on texting movie-goers. C’est la vie. So here’s my collection of 140-character-ish length thoughts. Oh, it’s also uncensored, which means there may or may not be a spoiler here and there. I don’t feel like being subtle today.

  • Holy crap the trailers. Oh my god. Oh god. THOR. About Time. Catching Fire. The Book Thief. I fangirled so hard before the movie even started. I should be embarrassed, but I’m not.
  • That’s Luke? Not how I pictured him… Okay, I can work with this. Wait – is that Aiden Turner? KILI!!!
  • Those are some creepy eyes. I don’t even feel bad that you’re about to die.
  • Damn Isabelle. Can I have that whip? And that dress? I hope that one day I can look as sexy as you while killing beasties.
  • *dead* The most perfect Jace to ever Jace – Jamie Campbell Bower A++++ casting!
  • Clary Fray stop being so rude to your mother. My God.
  • Ohhh psycho-writings. Excellent. Let’s get this show on the road!
  • Wait, I don’t remember this happening in the book. Why is there a dog?
  • Oh wait… Oh my god will I be able to sleep tonight?
  • WHYY SO CREEPY THIS IS THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES
  • KILL IT. KILL IT WITH FIRE AND POUR ACID ON THE BONES.
  • You go Jace. Can I get a comforting hug too?
  • Also, I’d like to go to the institute. I see demons too *wink wink*
  • Wow, this is moving really fast. Was the plot this condensed in the book?
  • I think I need to go back and read the book.
  • Yeah I really need to re-read the book why are we already at the Silent Brothers?
  • Creepy creepy creepy eyeless mouthless dudes but those are some awesome voices!
  • Okay, cool beans, let’s go see Magnus. This should be good!
  • Ahh I forgot about your distaste for pants wow that’s embarrassing I didn’t need to see your boxers dude.
  • Wait, what? Stop talking. MAGNUS. STOP TALKING. YOU LOOK PERFECT BUT YOUR VOICE DOESN’T MATCH.
  • Y U NO MYSTICAL AND ECCENTRIC. MAGNUS. STAHP.
  • Yeah you look all broody just think about what you’ve done and I hope you improve in the next movie.
  • Oh poor Simon. That looks a lot worse than being a rat. Yeesh. At least there’s a chain around his chest and neck… Less pressure on your shoulders buddy. Now you don’t have dislocations to deal with! Who needs air anyway.
  • Cue badass fighting scene. I would totally turn for Isabelle. Another A+ casting!
  • IT BURNS I’M MEEELLTTINNNGG I’M MELTINGGG. Die bloodsuckers!
  • Wait, are those vampire bites? I know that didn’t happen in the book?
  • What? We’re not going to address that? Okay… plot point abandoned? I guess?
  • Jace Wayland you sexy bastard.
  • STOP PLAYING LOUD CRAP MUSIC WHILE I’M WATCHING MY OTP MAKE OUT.
  • DAMMIT THIS SONG SUCKS.
  • Please I just wanted some soft sweeping violins not an electric guitar solo.
  • Oh my god they’re laughing how adorable and lifelike SEE TWILIGHT IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT PASSION AND SEX.
  • Okay this scene was a lot better in the book. Jace… I’ll love you forever!!! Don’t run away!
  • Clary you just screwed up
  • Ohh awesome CGI right there that’s exactly how I pictured it in the book.
  • Clary, it’s gone. Waving your hand won’t help.
  • There you go reach into the book.
  • Voila! New power!
  • Okay let’s go see the witch. I remember this part – time to find a tarot card!
  • She looks like me when someone’s chewing gum. *twitch twitch* WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW *turn into a demon*
  • I didn’t mean it oh my god haven’t you traumatized me enough I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP TONIGHT
  • Alec I’m sorry I don’t even feel bad that you were stabbed. I hated your casting and I think your character was entirely misrepresented.
  • Magnus can I have your coat? At least you have a sense of fashion.
  • Nooo don’t give it to Hodge. Clary you’re being stupid just calm the heck down girl!
  • Run Forrest run! “Clary, I am your father.” “NOOOOO.”
  • Ugh this part made my head hurt even in the book is Jace Clary’s brother or not???
  • I guess I should read City of Ashes.
  • Nah.
  • Okay maybe.
  • A+ acting Jamie that’s exactly how I pictured it! Four for you Jamie Campbell you go Jamie Campbell.
  • THERE YOU GO ISABELLE JUST LIKE I SAID BURN THEM WITH FIRE YOU FREAKING BEAST WITH THREE TANKS OF FUEL
  • Wait, did Hodge just die? Did that happen in the book?
  • Ugh, I need to re-start this series.
  • Ohh cool power Clary but Dumbledore’s already got you beaten with that spell.
  • DOOOON’T STOP. BELEEEEVIN! HOLD ON TO THAT FEEEELIIIN! You know you’re not siblings don’t even lie to me fools just kiss already.
  • Clary, if you don’t get on the back of that motorcycle I will.
  • Damn you. Just ride off into the sunset with all my feels and shipping chasing after you.
  • *curtains*

Well, that was exhausting. I hope you enjoyed my melodramatic fangirling! Long story short, I loved Jace and Isabelle, Clary was okay, Simon I liked, but Alec and Magnus I disliked greatly. Especially Alec. I don’t know why but I pictured him as less bulky and more lithe??? Like a serpent rather than a charging boar?? And Magnus, I’m not even going to speak. Fix your voice, dude. It was a solid adaptation: more faithful than Percy Jackson but if I remember correctly not entirely on par with the book.

I’ll return tomorrow with a *hopefully* more mature review of Sometimes Never, Sometimes Always by Elissa Janine Hoole.

What were your thoughts on the TMI: COB movie adaptation? Anything in my above madness truly speak to you?

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